Friday, 12 June 2009

• Second grossest moment in mommyhood (so far)...

  As I was living through the following experience I kept thinking "This is THE grossest thing I've ever experienced in my existence as a mom!" But when I got home and re-read THIS DOOZY I was reminded that tonight was, in fact, only the SECOND grossest moment in mommyhood (thus far) because although I didn't take any photos, there was a fleeting moment when I thought "Oh to have pictures of this..." which by my own guideline as described in the previously linked blog entry disqualifies tonight as the grossest mommy moment yet.
  
  But oh wow was it horrific.
  
  Today was a Hawaiian state holiday.  Willy had the day off work and the older boys had the day off school.  I've been sick for the last 3 days so my week was already screwed up and then having everyone home for the day really made it feel like a Saturday.  So when we were lazily planning our Saturday-esque dinner around 6:55 p.m. and there was a knock on the door from our neighbor coming to pick Willy up for his Thursday night church assignment, we were thrown off balance.  Willy and Ben left for the church (so Ben could go to scouts) and I was left with the three younger ones to scramble for dinner.  And how better to scramble than to head to a food joint with a playground!  Burger King here we come.
  
  We ordered our food and started to chow, when Brady, true to form, decided it was time to go to the bathroom.  As always, Toby's bladder is triggered by older brothers' bathroom needs, so he and Brady went together.  They returned a few minutes later and Toby looked anything but relieved.  In fact he looked downright concerned.  As it turned out, he really needed to poop but there was someone already occupying the one and only stall in the mens' bathroom.  I told the boys to go back and wait for the man to finish his business and then go on in and finish their own.  Off they trod.
  
  Moments later I finally saw a guy emerge from the bathroom so I knew my boys were getting their turn.  And then suddenly Brady burst from the bathroom with a look of alarm.  He mouthed something frantically.  I couldn't read his lips but thought he'd mouthed "Toby's pooping some more."  Thanks for unnecessary update.   But apparently Brady wasn't just giving me the play-by-play of Toby's bathroom usage.  When I didn't react the way he expected me to he rushed over to me and stage-whispered "TOBY POOPED ON THE FLOOR!"
  
  Oh.  Right.  Fabulous.
  
  Brady explained that they'd waited so long that Toby couldn't hold it any more as he was pulling down his pants to get on the toilet.  Only a mother who'd been dreadfully sick for three days with her own bathroom woes would ask the following question:
  
  "Is it a hard pile of poop?  Like actual turds you can pick up easily?  Or is it a runny mess?"  Brady responded with "It's green.  And it's on the floor!"
  
  Trapped with Molly in my care, and not knowing the gravity of the situation unfolding in the bathroom, I asked Brady to please help Toby wipe his bum and do his best to clean up the poop.  Brady rushed back to the bathroom.
  
  I tried to finish my food, but my appetite was quickly diminishing as I imagined what was taking place in the bathroom just a few steps away.
  
  Brady gave me periodic updates like  "He's got some poop on his underwear.  I told him to put some toilet paper in them until we get home."  Good thinking Brady! And then "I almost threw up Mommy.  The smell is really bad."  Poor Brady, but being so helpful!  And finally "Mommy do we have any more clothes?  He's got poop on his shoes and shorts."  That was the comment that made it blaringly apparent that this was no little poop incident that a 3 year old and a 7 year old could work through.  So I packed up the mostly uneaten food and took Molly to the van and got her buckled in and had Brady join her there while I went to inspect and help Toby finish up.  Luckily there was a pair of Toby's shorts in the van.  They were covered in honey mustard, but they would have to do.  (I must insert here.  I don't mean they were covered in honey mustard fingerprints, or little drips here and there.  I mean an entire fast food restaurant container of honey mustard had somehow managed to get dumped on his shorts which were on the floor of the van in front of his seat.  There were at least two tablespoons of the stuff congealed all over the crotch area of his shorts.)
  
  I took the honey mustard shorts and headed to the bathroom.  I had no idea what was waiting for me behind that stall door.  The whole experience reminded me a bit of THIS scene from Daddy Day Care.  (Yeah.  I've seen it.  Shut up.)
  
  I opened the stall door and there was Toby.  Standing with his pants around his poop-smeared knees.  I did a quick assessment of the stall and felt increasing waves of shock as I identified all the areas covered in poop. 
  
  Toilet seat?  Yes.  Poop covered.  Check. 
  
  Outside of toilet bowl?  Check. 
  
  Child?  Check. 
  
  Shoes?  Check.
  
  Floor?  Check.  (One big smooshy pile of avocado green poop-similar to the color of my blog today!- as well as little footprints of poop from here to there and back again.)
  
  Walls?(!)  CHECK!
  
  That's when my assessment of the place came to an halt and I blurted out the first question that came to mind:  "WHY IS THERE POOP ON THE WALLS?!"
  
  Toby responded "It was on my fingers and I couldn't get it off."  Apparently walls are the logical go-to solution for getting poop off one's fingers. (???)  (Note:  This is the moment when the fleeting thought crossed my mind to get my phone out and take a picture.  I refrained.  You're welcome.)
  
  We got to work.  First things first, I made Toby strip off his pants and underwear.   I had to get wet paper towels to even begin cleaning Toby's legs and feet because the poop was already drying.  I scrubbed his shoes in the sink (thank goodness for rubber, cleanable, Crocs).  The shorts and underwear?  Forget about salvaging them.  They went straight into the trash can.  Toby was horrified.  Especially when I told him he had to wear the honey mustard shorts.  He stood there half naked, moaning and wailing about the honey mustard shorts as I got to quick work cleaning a public bathroom.  I must say here, I am NOT cut out for working a job that requires cleaning public restrooms.  I was dry heaving the whole time I cleaned.  The idea of getting that close and personal with an area where strangers' booties and cooties had been sent me over my germ-phobic edge.  But I really had no choice.  (Willy said I should have just told the manager "Your bathroom is disgusting!  You really should do something about it!" and hope he didn't see me escorting a half-naked preschooler out the restaurant door.  I'm pretty sure he was kidding, but in hindsight I should have probably gone that route.)
  
  With the poop pile cleaned, the toilet seat and bowl cleaned, the walls cleaned and the child as clean as possible and clothed in honey mustard shorts, we washed our hands.  Twice for Toby.  Three times for me.  Then exited the building with a quick comment to the guy who'd tried to come in and do the hourly bathroom check while we were mid-crisis that he ought to go ahead and take the trash out of the mens room ASAP.  I apologized a hundred and eighty two times, told him I'd done my best to clean, and we got the heck out of dodge.  Right after I went back into the girls bathroom and washed my hands one more time.
  
  We made it home, stripped Toby naked in the garage and escorted him straight to the tub where he was hosed down with the handheld shower and then every inch of him lathered and scrubbed.  I even clipped his fingernails while he was in the bath because I saw a suspicious shade of green under them.  My sweet and disgusting little boy.
  
  So there it is.  Second most disgusting moment in my mommyhood experience.   So far.   I've got many years ahead to continue to accumulate more, but I sure hope I don't have anything that tops this one for a long, LONG time!
  
  
  
  P.S.  I was chastised tonight for being a "blog slacker".  How's this for a subtle return to the blogging world?
  
  
  
  

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