You know how time sort of freezes when you realize something is very, very wrong? I had that moment today when, after turning my mommy attention away from Molly for a brief time, I found her sitting chubby and cheerful on the floor between the open, under-the-kitchen-sink cupboard doors. She wasn't getting into cleaning products. She wasn't mischievously mess-making like she's done before. And when she saw me she didn't try to dart away, so I know she didn't think she was doing anything sneaky or reprehensible. She also apparently had no idea she was doing something retchingly disgusting. Vomitously repulsive. She had no idea that the mere sight of her (and memory of the sight of her throughout the rest of the day) would cause her shuddering mommy to dry heave over. And over. And over again.
She sat there with both hands, both legs, and her big cheesy-grin-face covered,
smothered in who-knows-how-old, solidified hamburger fat drippings. Her clothes were plastered to her body (Gymboree outfit effectively ruined, I'm sure). I couldn't get a grip on her slippery self without pulling her close to my body, quickly covering my clothes in the foul-smelling stuff as well. I had her up to the bathtub in about 6 seconds flat, where I stripped her (and myself) down and went to work, focusing on breathing through my mouth so I wouldn't puke in the bath water. I learned that baby shampoo, even in copious amounts, is only moderately effective on cutting grease. I had to turn to dish soap eventually, to really get the gunk off of her. (Dawn really DOES take grease out of your way, thank you very much.)
Bath complete and fairly successful, I dressed her in clean, non-stenchy, non-animal-fat-covered clothes and put her on the safe side of the "baby trap" while I attacked the lovely little disaster zone she'd created on the kitchen floor. I still have the tub to tackle.
I've washed my own hands half a dozen times and changed my clothes but can still smell it. I'm pretty sure the Dawn cut the grease and sent it airborne where it is now permanently attached to my nose hairs. I'm going to be hurling all day.
This morning's adventure which will, from this point forward, be referred to as the Molly Chews The Fat Incident of 2009, trumps the Toby Flaunts His Booger Covered Finger Incident of 2008, the Ben Thinks He Farted But Actually Sharted Incident of 2006 and the Brady Paints With and Eats His Own Poop Incident of 2002. Combined. Absolutely the grossest thing I've dealt with as a parent.
And do you know how I can confirm that this is the single grossest thing I've experienced as a parent? No photos. Not a single one. It didn't even cross my mind to grab the camera. Anyone who knows me, knows this is cold hard proof that I'm not exaggerating. Disgusting to the nth power.
And I'm now firmly committed to never, ever keeping hamburger drippings in my house again. Ever.
EVER.
EVER!
Comments (35)
I laughed so hard at this that I had tears in my eyes!!!!
I am dying to say something about being "rendered" speechless, but that would be heartless.
I am so sorry for your adventure, but thank you profoundly for reminding me of the joy of not having a toddler in my home.
=)
Old Hat
Oh my! It will take a lot of nights looking at her sleeping angelically to make this memory fade.
I'd like to sympathize, but I am too busy laughing.
lol totally get the camera thing.
You had me in stitches. It is not often I read a post out to my hubby lol.
x
Lmaoo. Aww I feel for ya!
ewwwwwwwwwwwwww yuck! yuck yuck yuck
but i laughed SO hard at this: "Ben Thinks He Farted But Actually Sharted Incident of 2006" LOL LOL!
Lulz. This is just a great story! Seriously, this is the funniest thing I have read in the past week or so hands down. I'm glad this got sent through my inbox. :)
haha...I once took one of my mom's bladder pills...she thought that was hilarious...well not at the time of course...
That's too hilarious!!!
EWW!! Really gross =D
Oh this was so highly entertaining! I feel for you though, i really do!
Gaaaahhhhhh eeeeeeewwww. But love your story telling, Ang!
Perfect! I miss my kids being little...
I have a hard time imagining how it could be grosser than the "paints with his own poo" incident, but I'll take your word on it. Sorry you had to experience that. I'm glad you had some Dawn!
Hahahahah! Too funny-I can totally picture you trying to pick her slippery self up and running to the bathroom. I remember the Ben thought he farted but actually sharted incident. Thanks for the laugh. Sorry-that's just gross. I can just imagine the smell.....ewwwwwww!
You poor dear thing! I am sad that you will be sick for the remainder of the day. I am intrigued by all of these other incidents, that I have missed out on. As I am trying to write about how I feel I keep noticing that my mouth keeps pulling in a cringe sort of way. I am glad dawn did the trick but am sad it is airborne I hate the feeling of not being able to stop smelling it.
@junemama - And that one was a doozy... let me tell you! The kids had asked for a sugar free candy. Little did we know they ate THE WHOLE BAG. Apparently the sugar substitute has a laxative effect. We may as well have put diapers on the boys for the 24 hours of squirts we dealt with. Ben's first little "whoops!" experience was in the car on the way to Nana's house. Good times.
@CreativeSparkle - Y'know... he was about Molly's same age. He was in his crib. He took off his diaper. Fun and artistic endeavors ensued. Because I can't be positive that he actually consumed the poop (he had a bit on his chin...*shudder*) Molly's incident this morning still trumps Brady's :P
@Rubymama05 - I just shared Ben and Brady's. Toby's is less gross but more entertaining. We were dealing with his nasty habit last summer and trying to convince him that he did NOT want to eat his own boogers and he decided to convince US that he wasn't interested in changing his ways. He picked his nose, pointed his booger-covered finger in the air and then danced his finger around, flaunting his booger, before popping it in his mouth very matter-of-factly. It was gross, to be sure, but also grossly entertaining. The proud look on his face was awesome.
Just the thought of the poo on the chin gives me a full body shudder. Ugh!
i was seriously laughing so hard when i read this i was in tears. it was brilliant!
ew - why did you have this in your house in the first place????
@reed44 - I know... I know! I grew up in a house where my parents drained the hamburger grease into a crisco can and kept it under the sink. So I was trying that. Obviously it wasn't a great option and will NOT be repeated in the future :)